in the head today

First of all there is pleasure. What gives me pleasure? I do not think of myself as the type that gets joy out of simple things - I like those intense and great pleasures which come and pass. I prefer the extremes, even when they are painful and terrible. This gives me more difficulty, more depression, more love. This I must come to terms with - and perhaps this is the first time I've written this down...
And why I love drugs even when they make me feel like crap. Intensity. And playing songs because I can really sing into them, they're temporary, they leave me but I play them again, differently, with different emotion, passion, pain, whatever. Why I love to scream.

Then there is the curious life - the life which searches for new things, gets bored with comfort and monotony (but perhaps fails to find a way out...); which thus seeks extremes and finds good and bad, ugly and beautiful, without much satisfaction for in-betweens. There is also the aspect of the curious life being one of dreams and imagination. A taste of some sweetness leads one into a spiral of delicious exploration and creation - of that woman, and what she might feel like, taste like, say, do, love...

But then this quickly becomes boring. More of the same. And so I move to something else.

There is certainly an element of loneliness. I think that will never leave. That Devendra Banhart lyric - "i'm gonna die of loneliness...for sure.."
Where I'm never going to connect completely, even with myself. It's all very strange though. When I walk around and realize that all these things that have been built up in my head, all these structures and desires, likes and dislikes...Mostly just conditioned things, many things I haven't questioned. But if I think of Nietzsche, and think of my life and my body as art, then I know that the real task is to construct a self that I think is beautiful, unique, mysterious...whatever I want. There are certain base desires I have (probably) that cant be escaped, but for the most part it is my decision...To find new things, to follow this curiousness. And to keep adding, subtracting, etc.
I can go down to the way that I stand, sit and walk. The way I smoke a cigarette. The way I speak and smile. What I wear or don't wear. Say or don't say. The type of person that I'm attracted to. To find turn myself on to new and strange things. To be strange. To develop my legitimate strangeness.