I AM FREE

the only freedom is in struggle.
i think.
but i don't know.
...something like, if nothing exists, then everything is possible?
but i think education is good. if you educate yourself too.
and grapefruits are among my favorite fruits. i eat them with a knife.
my greatest weaknesses involve over-analyzing things, getting caught up in spirals of doubt and... being impatient.
but i am also strong. this i know.

"what matters most is
how well you
walk through the
fire."

they're everywhere.

don't forget the names of colors.
words are important.
must do more here.

'each to his own tastes, said the maid as she kissed the cow'

sometimes people have to adapt to you.
sometimes your brain isn't the van gogh someone's looking for.

a few things i've forgotten about:
-to think big. certain events bring me down and i act like i'm sprawled out on the floor. get up you piece of shit.
-sacrifice. you're not gonna get anywhere without shedding skin and getting cut up. (and this is where i get frustrated being stagnant. and what causes me stress and paranoia. because now i'm not moving...because i haven't been in such positions of sacrifice. not enough. and i don't know what it means to really put myself out so my aorta's in danger of being severed. and yea, this is a lot of talk...just words...)


and that brings me to my current conception of time. until now my understanding of time has been largely constructed by the education system. now that i am free of it (despite my desire to return (perhaps out of some reaching out for comfort)) and now that i've stretched beyond the time where i would be back in school i feel restless and strange.. I keep thinking that there's something i should be doing, somewhere i should be. Or for the future - somewhere i will be. But the slate is clean. things are clay. i'm a sculptor. but i haven't started my work.
so i sit here at home on the couch after being served dinner. and i think about tomorrow and the day after...and the next 5 months. and the next year. and it's all nothing. but i need to take the advice of the warning sign generator.

...start my sculpting career.

privileged child

The president of Uganda in the 1970s was Idi Amin. ruthless he was. a dictatorial regime he ran.

Like a child he played games and laughed when things were good. when victory was in the air he felt strong and confident. His behavior infected everyone. even a corpse of a human could get sucked up in his jovial demeanor. And then things would get bad and he would turn into a storm, destroying things around him without deliberation. he couldn't trust anyone and so he'd lie or kill or grab at reserves of power which he didn't really have, but used as defenses anyways.
See he could get into your soul because he made you like him, because he made you like yourself. But this was only temporary. For some anyways. Soon you realize that this demon is sucking you dry because he's a child in a world of rules and he doesn't have a parent. a parent like Love or whatever it might be. this is his power and his freedom. it is also his downfall. the courage to have convictions and more importantly, the courage to attack one's convictions. the strength to hesitate, the strength to jump. the strength for discipline and control. of oneself.

Amin was overthrown in 1979 and people paraded the streets in joy. he died in Saudi Arabia fairly recently. He killed about 300,000 Ugandans while in power. he didn't want to be a puppet of the British. He became a puppet of his own impulses.


I'm currently sitting at my home in westlake with mono. i don't know how long i've actually had it, but i have a great deal of time on my hands. luckily i do not have a job. absolutely no obligations. it's strange. the privileged child lying in bed while his mommy brings him hot soup and vitamins. With all this time i'd love to be doing interesting things, reading many books, writing a lot. instead i have only small bursts of energy which i use up quickly either to walk up the stairs after getting a cup of tea or to satisfy my animal side. i don't know how long i will be like this. and i have a great deal of time to analyze boring things like my future. where i will go after san diego, what brazil is saying to me, what notes are playing, who will be around.

i will attempt to write things down. i have many thoughts. getting them out is a problem. perhaps i will start talking more although my tonsils are like two golf balls. something will have to happen. i don't know how long this lasts.