From Sweden - Travel

not sure of the exact date, but it doesn't really matter:
"We must travel extensively in order to appreciate the experience of new social situations and expand the self beyond the inevitable constrictions of being part of one or a few culture(s).

We must move and get away. Everybody that is here for you now will be there forever. But they will become boring if you do not move.


We must uproot our 'self' from our 'self-image' to grow higher and deeper then our shallowly buried and suffocating 'selves.'

Watch your daily ritual. Notice your attachment to ritual, the comfort it brings you is more important to you than your actual happiness. And that despite the happiness you derive from routine, greater freedom and exploding joy will come forth as you break into fresh and cool territory. Do not allow personal ritual to constrict your days.

We do not understand the most important things that happen. There is a moment when you walk that both feet are off the ground. Sometimes, not always. In that moment you are suspended forever and you fly. Life has that in its grasp forever.

Capitalism creates the most disgusting, vicious, savage, selfish and dishonest society possible to this point. Because we think we are free from it or better than it, because we want within it and feel within it, we are under its power. In order to move beyond this problem, which decays and spreads like a virus every time you take a breath, we absolutely must tear down this system and begin to construct a new political thought, a new political imagination. We all have visions of the future. Let us not build them upon the monstrous cesspool burning below us. Let us clean this mess. There is absolutely nothing a government or system can do against an army which demands, without compromise, its complete destruction. It is not a question of whether we can be victorious. It is a question of whether we can organize and mobilize and construct a new vision of the future. And take action in the immediate so that this vision does not drag us along or keep us chasing something we will never get. It must be action that produces that vision, gives birth to it, changes it according to what must be done. Rigid conceptions of the future, of goals that we must achieve are limiting and will be wrong. You don't know shit."

Minor Account

The days past: drinks with Evan, hit on by 35 year old women. Hot but stupid - lots of anticipation for nothing. Realizing that talking to women or really anybody is always the same in different ways. Got my hat back - I can feel the energy in it. When i put it on and walk around.
Kelly came up to me at a bench today when I was on my computer and I just felt really slow and patient, which was good, and made things funny because of the spacial orientation - me sitting, her standing, etc.
The main thing lately has been the idea of struggle - at least the main intellectual thing. Liberation is defined by oppression. This is the key point in nihilistic thought. And the statement that tells us that struggle will never end. Because perspectives are always changing, always different, and because we can never get a true grasp on the present state of things (the sexual)....We are in no position to make universal claims or to take action on issues which aren't local to us, or specific to our the (expert) knowledge we possess. And even here things are shaky. We must be careful. It's more about open up spaces for dialogue to occur; for people to make statements - those who do not currently have that space.

In other news, school is ending, I'm learning to ask questions, I bought a voice recorder and I will soon by a Super 8.
My friends are bothering me in some ways, but they are great.
Ben is distant, we have short conversations usually. To the point, but perhaps too much. It is at once necessary and totally unimportant to speak. Because we both know some things and don't know others and it doesn't seem to matter much. Perhaps nothing needs to be said.
Taymoor told me about black holes and physics and it completely applies to this nihilistic thought - think more about this...
Evan and I will go to San Diego tomorrow. For Sun God. I have never been.
This is some truth.

Must go to the East.
(soon)

the dramatic

...is one who apes a tragedy in simple or complex matters of life. Minor situations or feelings are turned into great situations and powerful feelings with elephantine consequences. Often the Dramatic is calling for attention or help. On the other hand, it may be that those who act in such ways do so because of their social position - that they need to be recognized in a different way, etc. "look at me, for I am this and this!"
Nevertheless, it drives me mad like a cow and I prefer to surround myself with those who are calm and cool, so that the drama souls, however exciting and interesting, need not weigh me down constantly and always.

As you go through life you begin to weed out the people who are a burden to your life. You recognize the qualities that are good for you and the qualities which are taxing.
But this is just a phase, so perhaps I will think differently tomorrow.

Mike's Dream

Mike just called me and told me his dream - very strange.
Travis on stage singing a song with great emotion and tears in his eyes. My on turntables in the background. The lyrics coming from his mouth are: "I love it when you call me Big Papa."

classic.

The Lava Dream

My dream last night:
With someone else, no face perhaps, I do not remember. We are trying to escape. In every direction there is lava, slowly creeping towards us, ready to swallow us up, without care and without a rush. I was terrified thinking that there was no escape. My legs got caught up in the lava, finally, and I was surprised that it didn't hurt. But I knew I was going to die. I thought that it was too soon. I couldn't believe it was actually happening - death. I don't know what I thought about other than that. I just curled up in a ball and let it take me. I guess I gave up. There was nothing I could do.

What is the meaning of this? Impending doom? Am I giving up, is lava moving towards me, am i surrounded by Death, is death coming for me, will I wake up like or let go and fall into the big sleep.....?

One thing is certain: I must allow this dream to shape a new perspective on existing - what it means to be alive and what I should care about, appreciate, spend time with, etc.

This day

is strange. I have an iPod shuffle which I am putting music on. So now, once again, I will be one of those people walking around absorbed in my own music as I watch the rest of the world. And I'm excited. My work for school, my paper, I cannot concentrate on. But I'm also doing very little besides. This has been the problem for days now: to fill the hour. For some reason the time stretches and folds over me, giving me a weighty sort of feeling and I find myself washing away and getting lost in the blur. Other than this I can say that I feel pretty good. In terms of communication I've been getting things across with a fair amount of success. Or at least I feel good about my communication lately. Occasionally I will feel bouts of emptiness or sadness. And sometimes I will attempt to run from them. This, I think, is no good. All moods should be embraced in some fashion. Whether through music (playing, singing, writing) or through some other activity. Now it is time for me to get to my work. Though this impending graduation or the desire for summer and music and work makes me lazy and uninterested in all of my educational endeavors. I guess I'm in a music phase now. Where I can only think of music, feel it, play it, draw it, write it.
I think I will be getting a piano soon. I want to move away. And then travel extensively after a year or so. I also want a woman to love.
So much to do and so much fuckin time to do it.

hat me/not me cig beer