gym, punching bag, changing outlets.
30 minutes a day using Logic/lyrics, instrumental focus on songs
stencil/carbon--the Norm.
finishing books, researching ---getting started on papers to save time for later. creating space for doing work.
look into bartender license.
CRITICAL RESISTANCE. CONTACT.
the Law stuff.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Thursday, April 24, 2008
This the thing: The disconnect between the external and internal. The ways in which we're formed - from TV shows, sports, mathematics (that scientific education). Everything boils down to answers - Right and Wrong. These numbers add up, this makes sense. The story is logical, Dicken's gives us a nice ending. Everything is tied up.
But when we deal with people, relationships, careers; and when we try to balance all these things and we try to be "ourselves" in all these situations, we get Torn Apart.
There is one self - and we try to find that and we never can.
We want to apply our mathematically molded selves to the situations we're in. And it doesn't work. There is no math for being human.
There is no science for being human. The way you react in this situation does not mean you will react a different way in a different situation.
And you can never figure it out because things aren't clear, they are muddled and muddy. And every time we try to break away and Think, we get pulled back in by that damned line, the damned group, and we're trudging through that jungle with weights tied to our torsos ready to snap us back as soon as we let a drop of weakness seep from our heads.
It's all a bloody mess. There is no order save the order we create. Which is routine, simplicity, etc. This is beyond the world, but it is good for ourselves. No. It is In the World and that is good. But we're always beyond it.
Winning and Losing doesn't happen in life like it does in sports. It isn't clear cut like that.
But you quit sports. Now you watch them.
And you watch films and read books. And there are no answers. But you are always looking for them. Like answers the questions in school. Like math.
You don't find them, but you think you do. And you ask questions of people hoping for them to spoon feed you some shit that makes everything fall into place.
The balance is between simplicity and chaos. The more simple, the more chaotic, the more balanced, the more insane.
The madness is a state reached and kept when these two are reconciled in some strange way.
But when we deal with people, relationships, careers; and when we try to balance all these things and we try to be "ourselves" in all these situations, we get Torn Apart.
There is one self - and we try to find that and we never can.
We want to apply our mathematically molded selves to the situations we're in. And it doesn't work. There is no math for being human.
There is no science for being human. The way you react in this situation does not mean you will react a different way in a different situation.
And you can never figure it out because things aren't clear, they are muddled and muddy. And every time we try to break away and Think, we get pulled back in by that damned line, the damned group, and we're trudging through that jungle with weights tied to our torsos ready to snap us back as soon as we let a drop of weakness seep from our heads.
It's all a bloody mess. There is no order save the order we create. Which is routine, simplicity, etc. This is beyond the world, but it is good for ourselves. No. It is In the World and that is good. But we're always beyond it.
Winning and Losing doesn't happen in life like it does in sports. It isn't clear cut like that.
But you quit sports. Now you watch them.
And you watch films and read books. And there are no answers. But you are always looking for them. Like answers the questions in school. Like math.
You don't find them, but you think you do. And you ask questions of people hoping for them to spoon feed you some shit that makes everything fall into place.
The balance is between simplicity and chaos. The more simple, the more chaotic, the more balanced, the more insane.
The madness is a state reached and kept when these two are reconciled in some strange way.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
stop:start
Creating Routine is madness. It is the break, the moment when consistency drowns in some past and never returns. A redefinition of certain action.
A climb toward another.
The breath at the top of the hill.
the Cold air.
A morning in the sun.
A walk around this house reveals treasure - foreign elements introduced into a life.
This is what exploration provides. Curiosity has a new nose a day. We're drones until we break with ourselves. Always tearing away to come back to...one's self. The conditioning is constant. Escape allows return, distance allows good vision, good vision leads to madness - all the world is madness, most purely.
Tomorrow a sunny hot day awaits, the streets of LA will burn. I'm going to dig LA and bury it.
The New as the Old New. The same as it ever was.
that is it: Stop Making Sense
A climb toward another.
The breath at the top of the hill.
the Cold air.
A morning in the sun.
A walk around this house reveals treasure - foreign elements introduced into a life.
This is what exploration provides. Curiosity has a new nose a day. We're drones until we break with ourselves. Always tearing away to come back to...one's self. The conditioning is constant. Escape allows return, distance allows good vision, good vision leads to madness - all the world is madness, most purely.
Tomorrow a sunny hot day awaits, the streets of LA will burn. I'm going to dig LA and bury it.
The New as the Old New. The same as it ever was.
that is it: Stop Making Sense
Monday, April 7, 2008
Basically it's a question of getting down to some very simple things.
what makes me feel good about life. where i get pleasure.
throwing those in to my day. mixed up, jumbled up.
Not getting caught in vicious and terribly draining, boring, unproductive routines.
making sure things are going good.
and keeping a fire-like core.
but existing like water, fluid, flowing, shapeless, shaping.
The very simple fact that you will not every agree completely with anybody on everything.
That you will hurt people and be hurt.
That you're perspective is in many ways within your grasp.
And the relationship between your body and your mind. Making your body feel good.
The ChiLL.
the melting life.
Towards a new phase, a new turn.
Being conscious of this daily. When i wake up in the morning.
BOLDNESS
“Then indecision brings its own delays,
And days are lost lamenting o'er lost days.
Are you in earnest? Seize this very minute;
What you can do, or dream you can, begin it;
Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.” -Goethe
i was watching myself speak today. in a video. That different perspective on the self. Cus I feel that I constantly watching myself, constantly aware. But the imagine I have of myself in my mind (and this, i must constantly remember) is not always the same as how others see me, or even how i might see myself (in camera, photo, etc).
Ray noticed that I've been anxious. And I need to stop. There is no hurry. But there are things I must do now.
Bold.
Being aware of what is productive and what isn't productive in terms of the way I deal with myself, in terms of being hard on myself, angry at myself, etc.
I can see how my attitude, anger from adolescent years turned inwards, to a reconstruction of myself. This is interesting and perhaps worthy of more writings.
Working on those little things, not trying to express this beautifully, just doing it, the little changes, like productive thinking, productive criticism.
But there's also the element of not giving a fuck. But maybe that's not good.
You, Xandre, you laying there, from that white rich place, with those friends and those thoughts and that body, with that tattoo and the songs you write and the writing you write and the wine you drink and the place you live. You, with that weird worldview and the realizing all the time - that you don't need to care about this and that, that slowing down is necessary to move quickly and effectively. You, hurrying always but needing to learn to chill. Being confident about certain things. You, developing that core where confidence develops. That there are things you can stand and things you can't. Knowing where to draw lines, where they're drawn already and how you fit within and outside of them, etc...
and waking up feeling GooD
what makes me feel good about life. where i get pleasure.
throwing those in to my day. mixed up, jumbled up.
Not getting caught in vicious and terribly draining, boring, unproductive routines.
making sure things are going good.
and keeping a fire-like core.
but existing like water, fluid, flowing, shapeless, shaping.
The very simple fact that you will not every agree completely with anybody on everything.
That you will hurt people and be hurt.
That you're perspective is in many ways within your grasp.
And the relationship between your body and your mind. Making your body feel good.
The ChiLL.
the melting life.
Towards a new phase, a new turn.
Being conscious of this daily. When i wake up in the morning.
BOLDNESS
“Then indecision brings its own delays,
And days are lost lamenting o'er lost days.
Are you in earnest? Seize this very minute;
What you can do, or dream you can, begin it;
Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.” -Goethe
i was watching myself speak today. in a video. That different perspective on the self. Cus I feel that I constantly watching myself, constantly aware. But the imagine I have of myself in my mind (and this, i must constantly remember) is not always the same as how others see me, or even how i might see myself (in camera, photo, etc).
Ray noticed that I've been anxious. And I need to stop. There is no hurry. But there are things I must do now.
Bold.
Being aware of what is productive and what isn't productive in terms of the way I deal with myself, in terms of being hard on myself, angry at myself, etc.
I can see how my attitude, anger from adolescent years turned inwards, to a reconstruction of myself. This is interesting and perhaps worthy of more writings.
Working on those little things, not trying to express this beautifully, just doing it, the little changes, like productive thinking, productive criticism.
But there's also the element of not giving a fuck. But maybe that's not good.
You, Xandre, you laying there, from that white rich place, with those friends and those thoughts and that body, with that tattoo and the songs you write and the writing you write and the wine you drink and the place you live. You, with that weird worldview and the realizing all the time - that you don't need to care about this and that, that slowing down is necessary to move quickly and effectively. You, hurrying always but needing to learn to chill. Being confident about certain things. You, developing that core where confidence develops. That there are things you can stand and things you can't. Knowing where to draw lines, where they're drawn already and how you fit within and outside of them, etc...
and waking up feeling GooD
Monday, March 31, 2008
My house has cobwebs and some distance from city things. The spiders actually lay their eggs in the corners of the ceiling. There's the feeling of loneliness with the darkness. It's more real, but I've made it my decision to stop it from being completely comfortable. I was never consciously aware of this decision but it was certainly made. I think it's okay. I want to know that I'm leaving soon. Don't get comfortable, we'll be out soon. Making too big a deal of things, comfort comes easy, with ease. ! I get afraid sometimes. Why so far? This quarter I will redefine solitude, friendship and joy. And discipline. For the self. A remolding. In a word: madness.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Meditation: Struggle for momentary escape from chaos. Diving into the trenches. To rest. To come out again fighting. Or prepared.
Media: A study must be done on the development of the media. Of the way in which we communicate information. One can follow a root of political scandals (often enough) in the media enterprise. Towards an understanding of the value of information, how it is transmitted, why, for whom...
The rational reactions of most people within insane systems. In a word: Kafka. Then I must decide how I deal with them.
It's so you see that the struggle is taking place - around you, within you, over you and under you. Not to work within but to work with the struggle. To understand that being free is acting and struggling. But to recognize that a side can reinforce its opponent and keep itself Alive without moving towards something 'better'.
Rousseau said that "Man was born free but he is everywhere in chains". With this he bases an entire social contract which revolutionaries in France carried in their pockets shouting for equality, liberty and brotherhood (forgetting sisterhood). Human was not born free and human was not born in chains. Human was and is born within an environment within which s/he must struggle. Within that struggle lies freedom. Perhaps it can never be attained. Like a moment, which one can never really grasp but believes in nonetheless. Because these moments possibly occur. Can they be held on to? In memory perhaps. But this is by no means a permanent state. I think we should abandon the notion that we are all free and equal. In my view, freedom is in the fight for freedom. (Arendt, Foucault? - I don't know.)
Media: A study must be done on the development of the media. Of the way in which we communicate information. One can follow a root of political scandals (often enough) in the media enterprise. Towards an understanding of the value of information, how it is transmitted, why, for whom...
The rational reactions of most people within insane systems. In a word: Kafka. Then I must decide how I deal with them.
It's so you see that the struggle is taking place - around you, within you, over you and under you. Not to work within but to work with the struggle. To understand that being free is acting and struggling. But to recognize that a side can reinforce its opponent and keep itself Alive without moving towards something 'better'.
Rousseau said that "Man was born free but he is everywhere in chains". With this he bases an entire social contract which revolutionaries in France carried in their pockets shouting for equality, liberty and brotherhood (forgetting sisterhood). Human was not born free and human was not born in chains. Human was and is born within an environment within which s/he must struggle. Within that struggle lies freedom. Perhaps it can never be attained. Like a moment, which one can never really grasp but believes in nonetheless. Because these moments possibly occur. Can they be held on to? In memory perhaps. But this is by no means a permanent state. I think we should abandon the notion that we are all free and equal. In my view, freedom is in the fight for freedom. (Arendt, Foucault? - I don't know.)
Sunday, March 9, 2008
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