headlight bike man

In the fog the light was burning and i shot past with a crisp breath where the hip hop was weaving with 60s psychedelic acoustics and synth samples like ice cubes melting in coffee with steam sweating into itself. but like all hell this has been all hell until the victory last night which was not so much glory as it was inconvenience getting me hard and then fucking itself until morning. and the day has been nice and i've felt fine. no aches and pains, no regrets and dark imaginings (tho they come inevitably). oh delightful drugs and you're grasp. oh my weaknesses. oh fuck it all.
quite to the point this evening since it has been a serious hiatus from writing. the thought has depressed me for weeks or even months - writing on this blog or anywhere. i've tried in notebooks and wherever but it rarely gets passed a few sentences. my mind barely reaches a conclusion before i am bored. and then on to the next thing to occupy my time. that's why a cigarette can sum it all up. the excitement of the spark, the drags, the burning, the end, and then you smash it out. watch how people put out their cigarettes. it can show a mood instantly. throwing it, stepping on it, crushing it. but the writing is nice and feels a little sexy with chopin and loneliness. writing is only sexy when you're alone. in public it's akin to masturbation or juggling a soccer ball. but alone, in your bed, at night, quiet, just a sprinkler going off outside and your strange soul.
a change in expectation is necessary for me. what it means to enjoy the day. what it means to feel good in the day. i am bored to the absolute core which is not nearly as much of a problem as feeling absolutely trapped, caged, ready to blow. and so i just use blow to wiggle around a bit. or whatever else comes around. and then it all comes in a circle. i feel even worse. maybe it's just a way to make myself feel worse so i can justify feeling worse. or doing nothing. laziness. am i getting done what i want to get done? only at work. outside that im pissing it all away. maybe i exhaust myself at work and then use snowballs and candy and scotch to try to give myself a little danger and feed the little dragon of boredom. keeping myself bored. wanting the things that make me sad, bored, pissed, whatever. a strange dark cycle that must be broken apart. immediately.
mad men - people want to be told what to do. badly. who knows. ill use a lot of situations as excuses. it shows up, its there, its friday. no white princess snow woman last night. inconvenient sexiness. i tried to want it. the inconvenience. i eventually ended up on the drum set and it ruled my night.
this week had some fantastic days. rain and deep greens in the grass, radiohead with the water splashing all around my car and the fog wrapping everything up in winter lingerie. and i gave myself some rest, stopped drinking coffee and took my chimarrao from the cabinet and began the routine. i would sip it all morning and read. this felt nice and good. it was simple and the day followed naturally. only friday was shit because i was weak. hating yourself. hurting yourself. this is the lowest.
but then saturday. and i began feeling good during the day. because i got a small grasp on my mind. it happened at 4am and i saw my thoughts hop on a bike and start heading somewhere. and i took the ride for a bit and then i said fuck it and sat on a stone and watched the sun slowly awaken, proud in the morning and for a little while i felt the energy flow through me. and it felt nice and i took some of my confusion and spit it into an arrowhead bottle. then i walked to bed and lay there and watched That Thing You Do while my heart was pounding. and i fell asleep to one of the catchiest songs ever created because how the fuck do i know the lyrics to this song and all the parts.
and on saturday night when the jamming started, when the guitar was in my hands and when i was feeling the drums out or singing it all felt....it was all that mattered and i didn't want anything else. i had my eyes closed on the drums and i was riding. like this big headlight in vicious darkness with the crisp air shooting down my lungs. and ive felt fantastic ever since.
and there's this piece of me missing though...