'each to his own tastes, said the maid as she kissed the cow'

sometimes people have to adapt to you.
sometimes your brain isn't the van gogh someone's looking for.

a few things i've forgotten about:
-to think big. certain events bring me down and i act like i'm sprawled out on the floor. get up you piece of shit.
-sacrifice. you're not gonna get anywhere without shedding skin and getting cut up. (and this is where i get frustrated being stagnant. and what causes me stress and paranoia. because now i'm not moving...because i haven't been in such positions of sacrifice. not enough. and i don't know what it means to really put myself out so my aorta's in danger of being severed. and yea, this is a lot of talk...just words...)


and that brings me to my current conception of time. until now my understanding of time has been largely constructed by the education system. now that i am free of it (despite my desire to return (perhaps out of some reaching out for comfort)) and now that i've stretched beyond the time where i would be back in school i feel restless and strange.. I keep thinking that there's something i should be doing, somewhere i should be. Or for the future - somewhere i will be. But the slate is clean. things are clay. i'm a sculptor. but i haven't started my work.
so i sit here at home on the couch after being served dinner. and i think about tomorrow and the day after...and the next 5 months. and the next year. and it's all nothing. but i need to take the advice of the warning sign generator.

...start my sculpting career.