My house has cobwebs and some distance from city things. The spiders actually lay their eggs in the corners of the ceiling. There's the feeling of loneliness with the darkness. It's more real, but I've made it my decision to stop it from being completely comfortable. I was never consciously aware of this decision but it was certainly made. I think it's okay. I want to know that I'm leaving soon. Don't get comfortable, we'll be out soon. Making too big a deal of things, comfort comes easy, with ease. ! I get afraid sometimes. Why so far? This quarter I will redefine solitude, friendship and joy. And discipline. For the self. A remolding. In a word: madness.

Meditation: Struggle for momentary escape from chaos. Diving into the trenches. To rest. To come out again fighting. Or prepared.

Media: A study must be done on the development of the media. Of the way in which we communicate information. One can follow a root of political scandals (often enough) in the media enterprise. Towards an understanding of the value of information, how it is transmitted, why, for whom...

The rational reactions of most people within insane systems. In a word: Kafka. Then I must decide how I deal with them.

It's so you see that the struggle is taking place - around you, within you, over you and under you. Not to work within but to work with the struggle. To understand that being free is acting and struggling. But to recognize that a side can reinforce its opponent and keep itself Alive without moving towards something 'better'.

Rousseau said that "Man was born free but he is everywhere in chains". With this he bases an entire social contract which revolutionaries in France carried in their pockets shouting for equality, liberty and brotherhood (forgetting sisterhood). Human was not born free and human was not born in chains. Human was and is born within an environment within which s/he must struggle. Within that struggle lies freedom. Perhaps it can never be attained. Like a moment, which one can never really grasp but believes in nonetheless. Because these moments possibly occur. Can they be held on to? In memory perhaps. But this is by no means a permanent state. I think we should abandon the notion that we are all free and equal. In my view, freedom is in the fight for freedom. (Arendt, Foucault? - I don't know.)

mastur

joint rolling is a subtle form of masturbation.
most things are

psychological landscape and gardening

One can treat the mind as a psychological landscape in which trimming, traversing, replanting, pulling out, killing and planting seeds are necessities. Explore this landscape.

language and action

Learning another language and being aware of its change on your mentality. How it affects your action and your mood. If language defines us then changing the way we use language will change our selves.

i

there is an "i"
inside,
beside, and
alive
in me.

or wait-
in remembering, in memory, in immemorial
there is a me.

in some there is also an i.

sometimes i am everywhere.

on musical taste

There are those who have a taste for music that suddenly develops a taste for what was previously sour and unpleasant. Reasons for this change can be found in the experiences that this individual has when various songs by this new artists (these new artists - can we even call them artists?) play. These experiences, if they are exceedingly pleasant, can carry over into the music, giving one the feeling of that experience upon each listen. And so musical tastes transform.
Whether this is a good thing is hardly the point.
It happens to all of us. One's musical taste changes largely due to experiences occurring at the same time as the music enjoys its moment.